I was reworking something I had written for a friend’s blog and it took me back to when I first began to understand what having a relationship with God is all about.

For this post I’m going to have to be painfully honest and extremely transparent. But we’re supposed to share our stories in the hopes of leading others to become followers of Christ, so it’s worth it. I have to back up to the end of 1995, the beginning of 1996.

I was working at an auto finance company and met a finance guy from a car lot. I’ll call him “Pete”. We started out with a working relationship, and gradually became friends. I was actually immediately attracted to him, but I was married, he was married, so I knew nothing would happen and just tried to put it out of my mind.

One day I was late for work because my ex and I had gotten into a fight the night before and he had hit me. (The one and only time). I was a little scared that he would take our son somewhere while I was at work and leave town, so I took my time making sure Anthony was safe before I went to work. “Pete” happened to be in the office when I got to work and heard my story. I guess that was his first clue that I was in a miserable marriage. I didn’t have any idea at the time, but I found out later he was too. A few months later “Pete” came to the office and asked to speak with me alone. Not having a clue what he wanted to tell me I said okay. “Pete” told me that he had developed feelings for me. I was blown away. What he hinted at was that he was actually hoping we would both get divorced so we could be together. I was extremely flattered and blown away. In my mind he was a successful guy, older, had money, why in the world would he want to be with me? I guess he decided he had made a mistake and the only way to resolve it was to uproot and move 3 hours away. We exchanged a few phone calls, but eventually didn’t have anymore contact.

A few years later I got a divorce, I had changed jobs and was in a management position that required some travel. During one of my business trips I ended up dropping by his car lot. Since I hadn’t talked to him in so long I figured it was out of his system and whatever he had felt at one time wasn’t there anymore. He appeared happy to see me, but a little standoffish too. He was still married, but I assumed they had worked things out since she was a part of his business. I was dating again and even though I missed the friendship he and I once shared I didn’t have any intentions of doing anything to get in the way of his marriage. It seemed as though things were better and I was happy for them.

Fast forward a few months to Jan ’01. I’m working in my office when the receptionist came to my door and told me there was a man out front who asked to see me. I was blown away when I walked around the corner and saw “Pete” standing there. We went back to my office and he asked if he could close my door. I was curious, didn’t know what he wanted to say, but told him sure. So after he closed the door he looked at me and told me he was getting a divorce and that he hadn’t ever stopped having feelings for me and that he wanted us to be together. He had me convinced that if it weren’t for issues with the business they would have already been divorced. That he had already talked with an attorney, it was just a matter of having everything drawn up and signed. What he didn’t tell me until I was already invested in the relationship was that he hadn’t told is wife yet. It got very nasty.

For some reason (I now know it was the enemy hard at work) I became blinded by any common sense or any reality of right and wrong. The really amazing thing is that “Pete” was actually the one who introduced me to the idea of having a relationship with God. I grew up in church, but it was all about being perfect, not about God’s Grace, or Mercy or unconditional love. When I figured out I couldn’t be perfect and was tired of feeling ashamed all the time, I decided I couldn’t do it anyway, so why try? I was confused that “Pete” knew so much about the Bible, said such passionate prayers, and could quote so many scriptures, but was in a relationship with me while being married, even if he was separated. We even went to church together a few times. I know, crazy. But God can do amazing things, and through the greatest sin in my life, brought me out of it to know Him.

By June or July of ’01 I had quit my job, sold my house, uprooted Anthony and moved to “Pete’s” town. We did live together for a few weeks until I had my own apartment, but he was paying for that too. This became a few of the hardest months of my life. As I started to immerse myself in trying to find out the truth about God, I became extremely torn. I decided to home school Anthony, partly because I wanted to reconnect with him (Anthony spent so much time at the baby sitter’s house while I was working, traveling and dating that I desperately needed to devote more time with him) and partly because it would allow for a more flexible schedule and we could travel with “Pete” to auto auctions. God had other plans for me though. He created a hunger in me that could only be satisfied by reading the Bible, watching Charles Stanley, Joyce Meyer, and Creflo Dollar on TV, and even listening to their teaching tapes when I was in the car. I would assign lessons to Anthony and read my Bible while he was working, I would read the Bible while he was watching TV. The weekends that Anthony was at his Dad’s I would spend hours alone reading and listening to tapes. I prayed like I had never prayed before, I fasted and finally started to listed to God. Then came September 11th, 2001.

I was just about to turn the TV off to go take a shower and start homeschooling Anthony. (We didn’t have a conventional school day schedule, we usually started around lunch and ended around dinner time) As I watched the plane hit the second tower I checked the TV to see if somehow I had changed the channel to a movie. I watched in horror, as we all did, as the events unfolded that day. I prayed and cried for those in the towers, for their families, for the emergency crews, anyone and everyone I could think of to pray for, I prayed. I surrendered to God and finally started to pray for whatever God’s will was for my life instead of praying that He would give me what I thought I wanted or needed. Over the next few weeks God started to wean me from “Pete”. First God told me I couldn’t see “Pete” anymore. It was tough, but more than anything I wanted to obey God. Then God started putting it on my heart to go to Arkansas. He didn’t tell me why, so I just thought it was to get a good kick in the butt from my 2nd Mom, Leesa.

You see, Leesa knew God, she also knew about “Pete” from years before. I had been avoiding Leesa because I didn’t want to hear the truth I knew she would tell me about my current relationship with “Pete”. And I was right, I didn’t like what she had to say at all. Visiting her, knowing God was speaking to me through her, I finally became completely broken before God. But seeing her wasn’t why God had led me to Arkansas.

While I was there I started tracking down friends I had gone to school and church with. While talking with a friend (Tonya), I asked if she knew what happened to Zale. (Zale and I met when we were teenagers, but hadn’t had any contact in about 10 years, that’s another great story that I’ll share some time) She had seen him a year or so before and just happened to have his business card, right there. So I called the number and talked with his old boss who told me he was still in the area. I called information and got his home number. Not knowing if he was married with 2.5 kids and a dog, I was hesitant about calling, but felt I needed to. Zale had his cell phone number on his answering machine, so I called it. He says he knew my voice before I told him who I was, and he wasn’t married. Ironically he had taken the next day off of work (Friday, Oct 5) to study for the LSAT he was taking on Saturday. I’ll never forget him saying, “So we’re having lunch tomorrow, right?”.

Anthony and I met him for lunch the next day. On my way back to Leesa’s from lunch I was overcome and had to pull over because I was crying so hard. While I was sitting in a gas station parking lot trying to get a hold of myself, I felt God say, “This is why I brought you here”. The human / flesh  / stupid part of me was still hoping that some way, some how, “Pete” and I would end up together. I had feelings for Zale, but was so torn. Zale and I talked on the phone for a couple of hours that night and I was completely honest about everything going on in my life. He talked me into coming over to his house Saturday after he took the LSAT, and I agreed. We spent the day together, went to a get together at his church, and talked late into the night. I saw him again Sunday and by that time had come to my senses and knew what I had to do. I never saw “Pete” again. “Pete” and I had a couple of conversations on the phone over the next few weeks and I learned that while God was working on me in Arkansas, he was working on “Pete” too and he had gone back to his family.

Within a couple of weeks I had moved back to the Nashville area. By January ’02 Zale had moved back to Tennessee too (he grew up in TN, moved to AR to go to college and just stayed there). While I was in Arkansas Leesa told me that God was going to give me the desires of my heart. The night she told me that I assumed that meant that “Pete” and I would end up together happily ever after, but what God actually had in mind was so much better! By Nov ’02 Zale and I were engaged, we were married in March ’03.

Through this whole journey, God truly changed me. I am still in awe that He loves me enough to forgive me of my worst sins. But He does. I am amazed that God would bless me with a wonderful man after everything I’ve done. But He has, and He continues to bless me.

Everyone who has come to know God has a story, and this is mine, I was a broken and pitiful mess going from one relationship to another trying desperately to fill the void in my heart that only God could fill.  I am humbled that God has forgiven me, that He has changed me, and that just maybe He would use me for His kingdom. I am humbled to be a child of God.