Monthly Archives: February 2009

He called me ma’am

As you can imagine if you’ve read the last post, this past weekend was pretty difficult for me and my family. But there were some bright spots and enjoyable moments during those three and a half days.

I was able to spend precious time with my cousins and their families, not to mention all the other friends and family that were there. Even though the mood was often somber, we also spent a lot of time telling stories, remembering special times, and just being there for each other. Those times I will always treasure and I have to think that I’m closer to my cousins (Kenneth, his wife Kirsten, Jason, and Alex) now, than what I ever have been before. For that, I’m very grateful.

During the memorial service my Dad did the eulogy and read my tribute to Uncle Ken from this blog. Dad did a wonderful job, especially since I’m quite sure it’s one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do. Right before the closing, Alex, Ken’s youngest son, spoke and revealed that Uncle Ken had recently given his life to Christ, so he was comforted to know that we would all see him again one day. That was the best news we could have heard and it was REALLY hard to keep it together after that.

All the arrangements were made fairly quickly so there really wasn’t time for a viewing, Uncle Ken didn’t want that anyway. So after the memorial service there was a reception for anyone who wanted to spend time with the family.  There were several comments about my blog, which were nice. One older gentlemen came over to say he didn’t know what a blog was, but he appreciated what I wrote.  I thought that was very sweet.

A little while later I was sitting at a table with Kenneth, Kirsten, Jason, Stacye (Jason’s girlfriend), and a couple of Jason’s friends when a good friend of Alex’s, Spencer came over to say good bye. He’s a really sweet 22 year old that I’ve met once or twice before when we were all much younger. As I gave him a hug good bye he says…..”It was good to see you again, ma’am. I couldn’t believe it, he called me ma’am. I understand he was just being respectful, but when I’m with my cousins I forget I’m a grown up. I feel more like a teenager than a 34 year old wife and mother of 3. So it actually stunned me for a minute.

The night before, another one of Alex’s friends asked if Dad and I were married. Apparently I’m looking pretty old these days and need to make more of an effort to cover up the gray. NOT THAT DAD IS OLD!! We actually get that assumption every where we go, shopping, church, restaurants, doctor’s appointments, etc. And have for years, even when I was in high school. So maybe it’s just that he looks really young, and I just look my age. :) I’m going to think that anyway!

A tribute to Uncle Ken

February 19, 2009

It’s been a bit difficult for me to blog over the past few weeks. There’s been a cloud of sadness hanging over all of us as we watched Ken endure this illness. It’s hard to continue life as usual when a loved one is so sick. It’s almost as if we’re in a holding pattern or numb to the rest of life that is going on around us. We do the things we know we need to do, but things just aren’t the same, and won’t be for a long time.

Today was a sad day for us, Uncle Ken passed away late this morning. He passed peacefully in his sleep, which was how he wanted to leave this world. He had two of his son’s and Aunt Suzanne with him. I know it was a great day for him though, he had accepted Christ into his life, so I know he is with God and doing better than all of us.

John 11:25&26

25Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. “

Isaiah 35:10

“and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”

(Thank you, Cousin Jason, for helping me find these verses, I’d still be looking if you hadn’t helped )

On the way to Arkansas today I was thinking about Ken and the good memories I have of him being in my life.  As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I took my first steps to him and some M&Ms. Of course I don’t remember that, but it warms my heart to know that it was him I took those steps to since Dad wasn’t available.

When I was ten and had been mistreated (that’s the best way I know how to put it) by an adult, Ken cared almost as much as Dad did. In fact, they made a pact (kind of a dark humor kind of pact, but I think there was a bit of seriousness to it too) that if they ever decided they couldn’t go on in life, they would “take out” that adult first. Of course nothing like that ever happened, but I was still touched that Ken cared so much.

Ken had such a good heart and gave so much of his time to those who were close to him. When My grandfather passed away when I was a teenager (Dad and I still lived in AR, my grandparents were in TN), Ken took Dad to the airport as soon as he found out. To Dad’s surprise, Ken also purchased a ticket and went with him to help with all the arrangements. As far as Ken was concerned, it wasn’t an issue, he thought of Dad as a brother, so of course he was going to be with him for that difficult time.

What seems like a lifetime ago, but it was really just in ’01, I was involved in a relationship I had no business being in. Ken took me to dinner, one on one, to try to talk some sense into me. It didn’t work, I had to make my own mistakes, but I was touched that he cared enough to make that effort. Even though it could have cost him our relationship. That’s when you know someone really cares about you. When they’ll tell you the truth when you need to hear it, even if you really don’t want to. I made many bad decisions growing up and during my young adult years, but Ken never judged me. That just wasn’t his way.

Just this past August when Dad was in the hospital after having a heart attack, Ken drove up even though Dad insisted he was fine and didn’t need him to come. Of course that fell upon deaf ears and Ken came anyway. He was such a comfort and help to me. Ken was once a cardiac nurse in ICU/CCU, so he was able to tell me in plain words what was going on. He stayed at Dad’s house and took care of Oz & Lilly (Dad’s German Shepards) and was available to do whatever he could to make things easier for Dad and I. He stayed with Dad after he got home from the hospital, which was a huge relief to me, knowing that Dad was in good hands.

Ken has always made an effort to be there for the family events. Birthdays and other holidays, or just a weekend trip to hang out for awhile. I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that Ken isn’t going to be with us anymore. I know we’ll see him again one day, and that’s a great comfort to all of us. But it doesn’t take away the pain of him not being with us now. There are no words to even describe how much he will always be missed. Uncle Ken, you love you and will miss you always!

somehow, 17 1/2 months ago I gave birth to a monkey

Not a real monkey of course, but the way Reagan likes to climb, and as much as she likes bananas, I’m beginning to think she’s more monkey than human. Here are a few examples:

*We have to keep all the kitchen table chairs in the living room, if we leave them at the table Reagan will climb up on the chairs and then onto the table to crawl all over it. I keep telling her that dancing on the table is not allowed!

* A couple of days ago when I was in the shower (and thought Reagan was just cleaning out the cabinet under the sink), I peeked out and was very surprised to see Reagan sitting in the sink. She had climbed onto the toilet, then onto the counter and into the sink.

*Yesterday she climbed onto the bed (which is pretty high) and then climbed onto my dresser (which is probably about  4 1/2 feet high),  to get into my jewelry box.

* She tries to climb up the bakers rack that is in the kitchen, and up the bookcase in their bedroom. Thankfully Zale had the forethought to screw both to the wall a long time ago.

I’m glad that Hannah and Reagan aren’t afraid of heights, but they seem to not have any fear, that concerns me just a little. These are definitely their Daddy’s girls! Hannah started climbing as soon as she started crawling too, but she wasn’t ever as ambitious as Reagan has been.

When Anthony was a baby I didn’t really have to do much to baby proof the house. Outlet covers and things like that were a no brainer. But if he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to, I just had to smack his hand once (not even hard) and he didn’t do it again. Not so much with the girls. If I use that approach with them they just smile and start smacking their own hands. I had a feeling girls would be harder to deal with than boys, I just didn’t know it would start so soon!

when life gets hard

When life gets hard, God is still God and He is still good, all the time!

Our pastor once told a story about having to do a funeral for a baby. He said it was the hardest one he’s ever had to do and was praying about what to say because there wasn’t anything he could think of that would give anyone comfort. God gave him this simple reminder, “God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good.”

For me that can be hard to remember. Whether it’s watching someone you love get sick and near death, whether it’s being hurt by someone you love, whether it’s being broke with barely any hope of paying your bills, God is still God, and He is still in control. God is still bigger than ANYTHING and nothing is too big or too small for Him to handle.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

No matter what our troubles, God still has a plan for us. From experience, I can tell you that His plans are ALWAYS better than ours. Even though life can be hard, and sometimes even seems impossible to bare, God is still God, and He is always Good.

Even though that funeral was a difficult experience for my pastor, and everyone involved, the baby did not die in vain. As horrible as the death of their baby was for the parents to go through, after the funeral many were lead to Christ. Those parents were able to see that through their child’s death, others found life. God is good, All the time.

Tag Team

Yesterday I decided to stay home instead of making the trip to Arkansas with Dad this weekend. The girls have been fighting colds and fevers since I got home Sunday, they get very needy when they don’t feel well and I didn’t want Zale to have to face that alone.I know I wouldn’t want to do it alone all weekend!

Last night I gave them just a tad bit of cold medicine and some Tylonal in hopes that it would relieve their symptoms and we could all get a good nights sleep. DIDN’T HAPPEN. Zale put Hannah to bed around 9:30 or 10:00, but she didn’t go to sleep until at least half an hour later. She’s already learned the art of stalling and the past few nights has skillifully manuvered her way out of bed to go potty. (Even if she went right before Zale puts her to bed, I’m so paranoid that it will be the one time she really needs to go and isn’t faking it, that I have a hard time making her stay in bed.)

I was able to get Reagan to sleep and in her bed around 10:30 or 11:00, but that didn’t last long. She was very fussy but I was able to comfort her from the living room just by quietly saying her name. That worked until she fell out of the bed at 12:30. At that point I just gave up, I knew that she probably wasn’t going to let me sleep anyway, so I might as well hold her while she slept so one of us could get some sleep.

She wasn’t much more comfortable with me than what she was in her own bed, but I think having her head elevated  helped her breathing a little. We both finally went to sleep around 1:30. At 2:30 I wake up abruptly to a loud thud and crying. I did a quick check and was relieved to see that Reagan was still asleep on me, but that meant Hannah had fallen out of bed. (I don’t know if Hannah and Reagan sent messages to each other through dreams or what, but for both of them to fall out of bed on the same night is very unusual, hence me labeling them the “Tag Team”) So I lay Reagan down in the recliner to tend to Hannah, but she immediately wakes up and isn’t happy that she’s not being held any more. I put Hannah back in bed (while Reagan is crying from the living room) and comfort her for just a minute, thankfully that’s all it takes for her to go back to sleep.  By this time, Reagan is standing in the hall very ready for me to hold her again. I realize all of a sudden that I really need to pee. I try to put Reagan back in the recliner long enough to run to the bathroom, but she’s not having any of that. So, I have to take her with me and hold her almost the entire time or risk her screams waking up everyone else in the house.

I think we finally made it back to sleep about a half hour later. I did have hopes that since it was such a late night they would both sleep until noon, but no such luck. They did sleep until almost 9, I’m still exhausted, but at least they didn’t wake up at 6 or 7!

weigh in, #19?

I’m having trouble keeping the weeks straight, but as of this morning I lost another 1.3 pounds for a total loss of 34.7 pounds.  :) I don’t think I’m going to make my goal of losing 60 by my birthday in April, but I’m not even bummed about it. That was probably a pretty aggressive goal to begin with. I know that losing it slowly is the best way to keep it off, and keeping it off is just as important as losing it, so I’m okay with that. :)

Work out diary, from Arkansas

Uncle Ken doesn’t get up and around til late morning, so there’s time before we see him to just hang out with other family. Last night my Dad and Aunt Suzanne decided to go walking this morning. I asked that they wake me up to walk with them. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on the treadmill or in the racquetball court, so I figured walking would be a good thing. Of course I thought it was going to be a leisurely stroll on the walking trail behind Suzanne’s house. I was wrong.

Dad woke me up at 7:30, it goes against my nature to be up that early, but I figured it was worth it. We head out and I notice I’m having trouble keeping up with Dad and Suzanne. Keep in mind, Suzanne is 5 foot nothing, I’ve definitley got longer legs and couldn’t figure out why I was struggling to walk as fast as she was. Dad I understand, he’s 6 feet tall with much longer legs than mine. Within a very short amount of time I was sweating. Thankfully it was a little cool outside so I didn’t get too miserable.

We walked for almost an hour, I got a pretty good work out and it was a good opportunity to spend some quailty time with Dad and Suzanne.

weigh in, week 18 (I think)

Because of traveling my weigh in days have been moved around some, but that’s okay. At least I’m still remembering to do them. :) As of this moring, I’ve lost another 2.5 pounds for a total weight loss so far of 33.8 pounds. I’m pretty happy with that, especially since my work outs have been non existant. Which is my own fault. Dad was all ready to give me a REALLY good work out Tuesday, but I was just exhausted. I think I was still playing catch up from the weekend before. I had plans to work out on the elliptical or treadmill this week, but that didn’t happen either. So I’ll gladly take the 2.5 pound loss!!

Words of encouragement

My Cousin, Kirsten, sent me this e mail. I don’t know where it originated but I thought it was very appropriate, especially considering what my family is going through right now. I hope it encourages someone else too.

Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb. Weeks passed, and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy: “Isnt it great that we were conceived? Isnt it great to be alive?”

Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mothers cord that gave them life, they sang for joy: “How great is our mothers love that she shared her own life with us!”
As weeks stretched into months the twins noticed how much each was changing. “What does it mean?” asked the one. “It means that our stay in this world is drawing to an end,” said the other one. “But I dont want to go,” said the other one. “I want to stay here always.” We have no chioice, said the other. “But maybe there is life after birth!” “But how can that be?” responded the one. “We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us, and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth. No, this is the end.”

And so the one fell into deep despair, saying: “If conception ends in birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? Its meaningless! Maybe there is no mother after all.” “But there has to be,” protested the other. “How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?”

“Have you ever seen our mother?” said the one. “Maybe she lives only in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good.” And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear. Finally, the moment of birth arrived. When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and they cried. For what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.